I share with you what is most creative in my desire to express myself and live fully, but I don't need to look good and sweet and spiritually evolved all the time. I haven't shared what I call the "bad weather" moments, the times when I agree with my friend Laverne, that if this is a "journey" I'd fire my tour guide and go somewhere else. I understand "the gift" of cancer, but I'd like to go to Macy's and return it for something else.
I am so "whelmed" (Shouldn't that be a word? I'm trying to avoid melodrama.) with procedures, appointments, emails, and phone calls. I spend all my days right now running to and making appointments. I don't know how really sick and medically uneducated people do this! I have at least 2 more weeks of this pace before I can really drop down and find my new rhythm.
Here's the brief summary of what I've found so far:
I have an uncommon form of breast cancer. I have always been "an outlier" and I continue to be so, even in the form of cancer I get! I have several tumors in both breasts, my sternum, and ribs. All my organs are totally clear. I, along with Steve and 6 other doctors can't feel the tumors or see them on mammogram or ultrasound, but they finally showed on the breast MRI I had done at Stanford last week. It looks like a lot of consulting and some of my treatment will happen up there.
It looks like I will probably be doing several weeks or months of hormone-blocking treatment, and not traditional "puke-and-lose-your-hair chemo" (at least not yet). I will combine this with a wide variety of non-mainstream treatments.
I appreciate the outpouring of information on treatment options that many of you have sent. I read it all and keep it in a file. I am constantly researching and sorting out what "feels resonant." I strongly feel like the most important part of the treatment is not what you do, but the consciousness with which you engage it.
I had a patient many years ago who ran off for a final fling in Paris upon getting a lung cancer diagnosis. She had such a great time, and she returned with huge credit card bills after 3 weeks because she thought she would die and get to blow off her debts. When she went to start her treatment, they discovered her tumor was gone. She claims that shopping in Paris and eating French cheese cured her. Now, I am not drawn to eating cheese, in fact I have developed an aversion to animal fat, but I get that the method is not always the cure. I have treated patients with cancer who have done every combination and permutation of chemo, surgery, radiation, diets, vitamins, herbs, homeopathic remedies, photon devices, infra-red saunas, Peruvian shamans, John of God, psychic healers, chi gung, acupuncture, hands-on healing, prayer, meditation, with and without bad new-age music, and it is clear to me that there is no right treatment approach except the one that is resonant with each of us.
I'm looking forward to some spacious, resonant time to drop down to a lower frequency and get a better sense of what I need. Please don't call or email over this coming weekend. We are celebrating Thanksgiving early, on Saturday and Sunday, and I want it to be spacious and without so many distractions.
Aside from the severe pain in my chest, the rest of me feels great. I have good energy and my emotions are like the weather, constantly changing and passing through. I'll be back at Henfling's on Rt 9 in Ben Lomond tonight (Wed 11-18) from 9-10 pm to hear Luke's band play again. You have to be 21 to get in, even though the band is 15!
George Carlin once said,
"I'm in the moment, on the edge,
over the top, but under the radar."
I need to slow down; we all need to. Join me in the commitment to do so starting right now. Do 3 things today to slow yourself down and attend to your breath, even if you only do them for a moment while in the bathroom. The intent and the breath will move that slower wave through you and everyone and everything around you.
