Many of you have contacted me with all sorts of advice on different therapies and treatments. You should all know me well enough to know that I have tried everything - every form of Osteopathic treatment, many types of massage and tissue release, applying therapeutic lotions and soaking in potions, acupuncture, homeopathy, Continuum, micromovements, sounding, electrical stim, ultrasound, herbs and supplements, Chi Gung, other energetic approaches, exorcism, meditation, infra-red, cold laser, visualization, and much more. This is not mundane carpal tunnel syndrome. This is a situation made unworkable by the tenosynovitis side effect (inflammation of the lining of the tendons in my wrist and the lining of the joints in my wrist) caused by my estrogen-blocking medication. I accept that I need the medication to block the estrogen that feeds the cancer growth, and I accept that I need external help to create some space to prevent nerve damage in my precious hands. I feel confident that this is the right thing to do and that this is the right time to do it.
I am using this "opportunity" to explore the age-old fairy tale of The Handless Maiden. My Jungian friends explain the deeper soul level meaning that helps me transcend the grief of having lost the subtle sensing and depth of my relationship to my hands.
Clarissa Pinkola Estés presents a fascinating analysis of the tale of The Handless Maiden,
"The Handless Maiden is about a woman's initiation into the underground forest through the rite of endurance. The word endurance sounds as though it means to continue without cessation, and while this is an occasional part of the tasks underlying the tale, the word endurance also means to harden, to make robust, to strengthen, and this is the principal thrust of the tale, and the generative feature of a woman's long psychic life. We don't just go on to go on. Endurance means we are making something."
I am making another pair of hands for myself, and this will in turn lead me to a new life. I am being as creative as I can as I dissolve and reform a new body that is capable of carrying me into the next part of my life. I yearn for a rest, but it's not time yet to be done with this enduring.
My surgery is Monday at 9:30 am Pacific Time, if you are inclined to enter the field and send a thought or prayer. Steve is taking me, bringing me home, and taking Tuesday off to be with me. I have people lined up to help me out for several days. I'll have Steve post an entry on Tuesday to let you all know how I'm doing.
Here is a poem that my friend Mary passed on to me that I find profoundly comforting.
Blessing The Boats (at St Mary's)
by Lucille Clifton from Quilting Poems 1987 - 1990
may the tide that is entering even now the lip of our understanding carry you out beyond the face of fear may you kiss the wind then turn from it certain that it will love your back
may you open your eyes to water water waving forever and may you in your innocence sail through this to that
