I have been exploring the poem, "Adrift" by Mark Nepo lately. I began hearing it in my head when my friend Robert's wife, Nell died a few weeks ago. And then as I pondered the "duet of wonder and grief" in my own life, I continued to contemplate the poem, line by line. I juxtapose the paradox of that which, "no one can take away and all that we’ve lost" and then loop back to the line about, "how the heart makes a duet of wonder and grief." Here is the whole poem:
Adrift
by Mark Nepo
My life is filled with paradox, things that seem like opposites, but both are true.
I received some great news this week:
My publisher has given me the legal rights to publish my own audiobook! They don't want to produce it, so they've reverted the rights to me. My plan is to do an updated 2nd edition. It will be expanded, with a few new chapters, and each chapter will have guided meditations and dives. Some of it will be based on the book groups and courses I've done over the past 3 years. It will most likely take me a good year to complete it. It feels great to have a project that needs to be completed.
Adrift
by Mark Nepo
Everything is beautiful and I am so sad.
This is how the heart makes a duet of
wonder and grief. The light spraying
through the lace of the fern is as delicate
as the fibers of memory forming their web
around the knot in my throat. The breeze
makes the birds move from branch to branch
as this ache makes me look for those I’ve lost
in the next room, in the next song, in the laugh
of the next stranger. In the very center, under
it all, what we have that no one can take
away and all that we’ve lost face each other.
It is there that I’m adrift, feeling punctured
by a holiness that exists inside everything.
I am so sad and everything is beautiful.
My life is filled with paradox, things that seem like opposites, but both are true.
I received some great news this week:
My publisher has given me the legal rights to publish my own audiobook! They don't want to produce it, so they've reverted the rights to me. My plan is to do an updated 2nd edition. It will be expanded, with a few new chapters, and each chapter will have guided meditations and dives. Some of it will be based on the book groups and courses I've done over the past 3 years. It will most likely take me a good year to complete it. It feels great to have a project that needs to be completed.
And now, for the other news:
As some of you know, I had a PET scan on February 20th. It's been a wild ride as I sort through what it might mean and explore my options.
The scan was not terrible, and it wasn't great either. Although its ultimate meaning is not completely clear, I have clearly progressed to the next level of "relationship" with this cancer that's visiting my bones. The good news is that it's not in any organs; it's just in my bones. Breast cancer that only spreads to bone is easier to treat than the type that spreads to other organs, but "easy" is a relative term.
It has spread further through my skeleton. It's in about 10 vertebrae, scattered throughout all the regions of my spine, as well as many ribs, multiple spots in my pelvis, arms, shoulders, hip, and bony skull. I am free of it in my organs (no spots in my brain, liver, etc) - yay!
Most of the spots are small and I can't feel most of them. As my oncologist describes it, what lights up on the scan could be a small cluster of just a few cancer cells that are metabolically active. Each spot doesn't necessarily represent a solid tumor. These glowing spots are in the earliest stages of deciding whether or not to turn into something significant.
It has spread further through my skeleton. It's in about 10 vertebrae, scattered throughout all the regions of my spine, as well as many ribs, multiple spots in my pelvis, arms, shoulders, hip, and bony skull. I am free of it in my organs (no spots in my brain, liver, etc) - yay!
Most of the spots are small and I can't feel most of them. As my oncologist describes it, what lights up on the scan could be a small cluster of just a few cancer cells that are metabolically active. Each spot doesn't necessarily represent a solid tumor. These glowing spots are in the earliest stages of deciding whether or not to turn into something significant.
The ones I can feel are quite painful, but the worst feeling of all is the vulnerability of sensing the fragility and vulnerability of my bones. There's nothing to take or do to make that feeling go away. I just have to be attentive, listen, be careful, and of course, breathe.
The odd, interesting, and paradoxical thing about my condition is that many tumors that showed up in the past year have disappeared, so I'm making them and resolving them. But right now, I'm moving one step forward and one and a half steps back. I'm searching for ways I might change the tempo of how my body meets this process.
I have been gathering information and doing a lot of wild and obscure testing. (testing genes, enzymes, and other circulating tumor factors) to see if there's a mainstream "targeted" treatment that I resonate with.
After 13 years, there aren't many alternative and complementary treatments that I haven't tried, but I am searching anyway for something new that feels right. I'm considering a few things. I am still opposed to any approach that involves human or animal sacrifices ;)
I've gotten suggestions and recommendations from many friends and loved ones that involve using devices to influence my condition (like Rife machines or the Qest 4 System). I appreciate everyone's concern, and I need to let you all know that I don't resonate with these approaches. I find it hard to trust that a machine (or the people who programmed the machine) knows what my body needs. I am more interested in searching for ways to be in direct relationship with my body and its wacky antics. As an Osteopath, I trust that I can generate, or other people to whom I'm connected might be able to generate these same resonant frequencies.
I also trust the path that I'm on and I accept that at some point I will let go of influencing my life path. I like to think that I know the difference between "control" and "influence." It's important for me to contemplate that everything is fine just the way it is. That doesn't mean I have to like it, or give up caring for myself. Acceptance doesn't mean acquiescence. It means I am committed to listening deeply and experiencing things as they are, and not desperately grasping for a fantasy of some special cure when I get to the point where there are no more options. I'm open to stumbling upon things that are helpful, but I don't believe that I can conjure a cure and control my body with my will.
I am preparing for when the time comes that I can't be in a balanced relationship with this process anymore. Well, that's another story that I'm not ready to talk about publicly. I am not there yet.
This cancer moves "at the pace of a glacier" (that's a direct quote from my oncologist) and I have years to be creative in my relationship to it. Ah, life in the uncertainty realm is a great adventure!
When people ask how I'm doing, I answer, "good enough." I have my dark moments. I'm sad and disappointed. I lean in to how I feel emotionally and then it passes and I want to "finish" something, like this blog, or an email, or a podcast episode, an updated website, or my audiobook. I feel "coherent" and I have an excited "potency" around teaching, writing, and crafting my new audiobook.
Other than that, life is great. I'm excited about teaching at Omega and Kripalu this year. You can go to my old-fashioned website for those dates: https://www.bonniegintis.com/wordpress/teaching/ I hope to have a new, more modern and functional website and webstore to see classes and my audiobook, and more by June of this year.
Steve and I are working non-stop on our podcast: https://osteopathyunplugged.com/
It's deeply satisfying and a LOT more work than I imagined. Because of the podcast, I am confident that I can produce an audiobook. We have the audio recording equipment and I know how to edit and package an audio product. For all you Continuum folks, an episode on The Three Anatomies will be coming in April. Stay tuned.
Many of you have asked, at some point, what you can do to help. Just knowing that you're there listening to my story is helpful. You could also buy my book, come to a workshop, or subscribe to our podcast.
If you don't want to sign up for the paid version, you can follow the podcast on Apple, Spotify or Google Podcasts for free and get notified when there's a new episode. The first 6 episodes are free for everyone forever. We will intermittently add a few other free full episodes. After the free foundational episodes, we give you a portion of each episode so that you can decide whether you want to subscribe or not. You can sign up for as little as $5 and cancel before the end of the month if you don't want to be charged every month. It's a great way to support our efforts.
Thanks for being in my life.
Until then, I'm sending oceans and skies full of love,
be well, listen deeply, and stay curious (that's how we end every podcast episode),
Bonnie
