Learn About Life By Acquainting Yourself With Death

You can learn a lot about life by acquainting yourself with death.

Pause now, and notice if you are triggered by my opening sentence. If you aren’t, that’s very encouraging. If you are upset by this sentiment, let’s explore what that’s about. Did you assume this means I have bad news about my health? Relax. I don’t. Are you squirming in your seat with the uncertainty towards which this opening points? Here is something I am certain about; I am going to die someday, and so are you. Now that we’ve established that, can we please accept this fact of life and learn to appreciate the preciousness of what we have now while we are here together?

Many people who teach about death as a way to more deeply appreciate living, say some version of this opening remark. Lately I have been reading, listening, watching, or being in a Zoom box with several of these kindred spirits: Frank Ostaseski, Francis Weller, Marilyn Schlitz, Stephen Jenkinson, Kim Rosen, and others who share their insights into living and dying.

Some of my friends and loved ones have asked me if I’m being morbid or prematurely preparing for dying. Their asking me this question shows me how important this exploration is in our death-phobic culture. Dying is not something that happens in a faraway time we call “later.” It is a process and it begins the moment we are born. Dying doesn’t spread like an infection; it’s not contagious; it’s part of living. Talking about death won’t make you more susceptible to it. Life and death are a two-for-one package deal. Why not befriend mortality?

Accepting that someday I will die allows me to more fully appreciate being alive. Acceptance is not the same as liking, agreeing with something, giving up, surrendering, or letting go. Acceptance is one of my greatest motivators to show up and be as fully present and engaged as I can be. When I forget that my life won’t last forever, I get lazy, I procrastinate, and I take things for granted.

I acknowledge the limits of my body, as well as the possibilities and potential that present themselves even in the midst of living with cancer. It’s one of life’s paradoxical qualities, where two things seem opposite, but both can be true. If I stop trying to fight with what is, I can relax and listen more intently. I can more clearly hear the messages from my body that guide me to make choices about how I care for myself. Acceptance allows me to creatively compensate and adapt. Accepting the limits of my life sparks my longing to fully embrace being here and making the most of it all now.

I had a PET scan on March 1st that showed how well my body is responding to my new treatment. Most areas of cancer activity have decreased in metabolic activity. A few spots are unchanged. There’s nothing new or worse. That’s the best scan I have had in years! Living with metastatic cancer is like a rollercoaster ride. I’ve had 12 years of ups and downs, but it’s always there, whispering in my ear, “Wake up, live now!”