Monday, February 22, 2010

Waiting Stalls Creativity

I tried writing all weekend. I had the time, the spaciousness of being home without any appointments, but the words would not flow. I feel like I'm in an old car, stopped at a red light, and I keep stalling.

I am waiting again. Waiting for the next blood test later today. Waiting for the CAT scan on Tuesday. Waiting for the Stanford follow-up on Wednesday. Waiting squeezes the creative momentum out of life.

I will find a way out of this one. Unlike cancer, there is a definitive cure for waiting. Even if I do nothing, the waiting will end. But it is not like me to do nothing. Over the next 3 days I will find something that jump-starts my juices and carries me through this. What am I really waiting for anyway? My father used to warn me to be careful about being impatient when I would say things like, "I wish it was Saturday already." He didn't want me to wish my life away.

Last Friday I had an MRI of my spine which showed no spread of the cancer. Yay! The good news helped me out of my slump on Saturday afternoon, but it  was only a matter of hours before I slipped down into feeling frustration and impatience again.

On Thursday my dearest friend in the world, who I've known for 35 years is coming from New York to stay for 5 days. We will time warp and enter a parallel reality where we can delve into questions I have about my past that can only be addressed (and reality-checked) by someone who was there. And in between our intense conversation and my naps, I plan to deeply enjoy showing her the Central California coast and the redwoods.

Today, I am attempting to start my day being grateful for having slept 8 hours and having a great cup of ginger tea. I think I'm going to ditch this old car that keeps stalling and just walk. I can't control everything that happens in my life, but I can choose to mindfully walk through life and rest my attention in the sensations of being alive.