Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Predictability Masks Fear

I have gotten a few panicked calls and emails from some of you wondering why I disappeared. Am I okay? What’s wrong? Why no blog entry?

I am doing quite well, considering what I am navigating. I was away for 8 days on retreat, at a Continuum Depths Retreat. I need to be able to drop my role as caretaker and deadline-maker and just care for myself. If you rely on the predictability of my blog entries it will only cultivate fear when the pattern of my entries shift. If you were afraid I was in crisis when I didn’t post a new blog entry, then when I do provide you with an entry it only masks that fear, which will inevitably arise again if I wait too long before the next entry.

If you have a mammogram every year and then check the fear of breast cancer off your list of fears, think again. First of all, it doesn’t guarantee anything. It’s a great example of doing something by rote on a regular basis to assuage fear. If you eat well and exercise regularly because you can then cross those things off your “to do” list they offer little protection. Care for yourself because you have a deep longing to feel cared for, not because you’re afraid if you don’t you’ll die. One of the themes of my retreat was inquiring into the effect of creating a false sense of safety with predictability and repetition. Children thrive on routine, and in some cases we still need it as adults, but creativity and curiosity are squandered by sameness.

Read my blog because you are curious about what I have to say and because you care for me. Don’t read my blog because it makes you feel better if I’m doing well. Your well-being is not dependent on mine. I appreciate everyone’s concern for me, but please let go of the need for me to show up with a set rhythm in your life. It just might set you free. Caring for myself and not others during this phase of my life is an important part of my healing. Look at the places in your life where you give the power over your well-being to someone else. Commit to empowering yourself, and join me in the healing that unfolds from having the reference point of your Health within yourself.

(If you haven't read Chapter 5, "Health As The Reference Point" in my book, now would be a great time.)